I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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