So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
