now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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