dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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