P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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