Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
