this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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