Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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