So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
In America we eat man semen.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
