mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
