Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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