I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
