she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
it hurts more in the daytime
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
