mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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