I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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