I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
