Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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