I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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