im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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