If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dignity is for republicans.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
