who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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