in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
