my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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