Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
