Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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