apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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