I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My liver just broke up with me...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
