Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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