I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
