Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
