fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
