I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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