I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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