I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
