I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
