Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
