someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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