good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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