I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
