I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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