Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
