im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
