coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
