So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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