The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
