when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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