u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
