Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
