He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I am naked and annoyed.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
