So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
