Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
