the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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