Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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