you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize