Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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