First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
