I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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