before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
