She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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